Yes, it’s been a minute since I’ve posted a blog…a lot has happened in my life during the last five months (damn, itHASbeen a long time!).  Before posting my last blog in July, I had just undergone a very traumatic loss.  My manager and dear friend committed suicide the weekend of my 42nd birthday.  Even though I have a background in counseling and I’m supposed to be able to deal with emotionally stuff like this, for the first time in a long time I couldn’t even though I pretended that I could.

To be or not to be...that is the question when it comes to celibacy with a lot of single people these days.  Their reasons vary, but for me it came after one horrible (and I do mean horrible) sexual experience that lasted all of 1 minute!  I remember sitting up and thinking to myself, "are you kidding me?!"  I felt used as he gloated that he'd never been with a best selling author.  All I could do was shake my head.  What was suppose to have been something special had instead become a bitter moment.

Last week I picked up a copy of the June issue of Ebony Magazine.  There was a short, but interesting article about the vice president of production for Columbia Pictures, DeVon Franklin.  What sparked my interest in DeVon wasn't that he is also a Christian minister and motivational speaker, but the fact that once a week, for 24 hours, he disconnects from the insanity of the virtual world by turning off his Blackberry and not going online.  Instead he uses this time to focus on relaxing, reflecting, resting and renewing himself as an individual.

Okay, I can't speak for the other "Cougars" out there, but whoever tried to glamorize dating in your forties lied to themselves and the rest of the world.  At the tender age of 41, each day I'm finding it more & more difficult to take a chance on love.  Honestly, I think it's a combination of myself and past experiences with men, to the selection of available men that are out there. 

Since becoming an elite member of the divorcee club the emotional abuse from my ex hasn't stopped.

Life has a funny way of bringing you full circle, especially when you're in the 4th ending of it.  Last week I purchased the April issue of Oprah's magazine and even though I have this love hate relationship with Oprah (I love her for all that she has accomplished, but sometimes I dislike her because she appears to overlook the African-American community in her media outlets) I sometimes find inspiration and informative articles in her magazine.  In this particular edition she shared some of her journal entries from the past.

Life is full of lessons if you pay attention and take in what is going on around you.  This past week my lessons have been painful, yet in the same breath,meaningful.  They have been lessons that I'll never forget especially when it comes to business and friendship.  So what exactly did I learn?  Well....the first lesson is that the main people who claim that they want to help you are really against you.  I've learned that the crabs who are currently in the barrel with me are determined to hold me down as I try desperately to get the hell out. I've learned that no matter how honest you are with everyone else there is still that one person who will sit there and lie in your face without blinking an eye.  A bold faced liar as my mama would have called them. The last lesson that I learned this week was that nobody is going to be as passionate about your dreams like you.  That if you want that dream to become a reality it is your responsibility to do whatever it takes. This week ended with me doing a lot of crying, soul searching, and trying to regroup on so many levels.  There was nobody there to pick up the pieces, pat me on the back or assure me that things would get better.  By Friday night I was ending the day with my middle finger raised high in the air.  Yes, I was finally there, I just didn't care.  Yet I rose on Saturday morning, willing to give it all one more try.  As the saying goes by Maya Angelou...but still, like air, I'll rise.  

A day meant for the celebration of love has somehow turned into the moment of truth.  With Valentine's Day quickly approaching tis the season when arguments between couples pop out of thin air, break ups hit lovers like a flash of light and a many of hearts are suddenly broken.  Yep, instead of celebrating love this has become the holiday when you find out just how much you mean to a person or where you really stand in a relationship. 

Let's face it, the country is in a recession and that means lovers are affected too.

On Friday, January 28th, 2011 I made the choice to move forward with my life versus continuing to remain stagnate or drive myself into an emotional rut.  I made the choice to be happy by quitting my job of one year and going back into the world of self employment.  Sometimes we settle for certain situations either because of comfort, finance or ignorance.  I was a victim of all three.  I wanted the comfort and security of a steady paycheck, but didn't realize when I accepted the job a little over a year ago that I would have to sacrifice my emotional well being and part of my integrity in the process.

This past Friday I had the opportunity to speak to a group of high school students about juvenile domestic violence and to my surprise they had a LOT to say!  They all knew about domestic violence, some better than others.  The responses that I received ranged from "girls like it when you hit them" to "a restraining order is just another piece of paper...it ain't gonna stop him from bashing yo head into a wall."  There were some positive remarks which included that girls needed to get some self-esteem, because the only way she'd let a boy hit on her was if she didn't love herself.

Today I decided to clean out my file cabinet and while doing so ran across an old notebook from 2009.  As I flipped through the pages, trying to decide if it was a keeper I paused, giggled then became teary eyed as I stared at a page filled with notes on all my Mister Wrongs.  I think at the time I was trying to figure out why I kept attracting losers.  Then I flipped the page and there was another long list, but this one was filled with the good qualities, or the traits I admired in all of the men I had ever dated.