Divattitude

Beyond the Hype

12/19/2011 15:07:00

Yes, it’s been a minute since I’ve posted a blog…a lot has happened in my life during the last five months (damn, it HAS been a long time!). Before posting my last blog in July, I had just undergone a very traumatic loss. My manager and dear friend committed suicide the weekend of my 42nd birthday. Even though I have a background in counseling and I’m supposed to be able to deal with emotionally stuff like this, for the first time in a long time I couldn’t even though I pretended that I could.

Reeling from his sudden death, I felt alone as I tried to navigate the murky waters of the entertainment world. I had already been burned by people whom I thought I could trust in the past and now I was faced with the cruel reality that the one person I trusted with my career, my muse, my manager, and most of all my friend was now gone. It was a horrible feeling as I sat in my bed, feeling so alone as I cried myself to sleep some nights. Lost in my emotions for the first time in my career the fame didn't matter anymore.

Those who know me well shrieked when I told them I was taking sometime off. I was tired of being CJ, sick of pretending that everything was okay. I just wanted to be a normal person while mending my broken spirit and grieving the lost of my friend. Like my mama used to always say, “everybody don’t need to be all up in yo business.” And she was right, some things just need to be done privately. My departure from the spotlight was swift. In a matter of days I had ditched the 14-inch weaves, and dismissed my talented staff which consisted of my makeup artist, personal assistant and bodyguard (yes, it was that crucial at times). I didn’t need an entourage I needed my close family and my true friends and time to reconnect with the woman I used to be before the fame set in.

These past few months have not only allowed me to regroup emotionally, but they have also given me the opportunity to try some new things. In August I returned to my Alma Mater as a professor. I won’t say it’s been a walk in the park, but I will say that this adventure has allowed me to use everything that I’ve ever learned in the entertainment industry to give back to the institution that believed in me first. The ultimate measure of the success of my healing process was witnessing 13 of my students receiving their degrees. No amount of stardom could have ever given me the feelings of success and accomplishment that I felt while watching them. For the first time in a few months I felt the presence of my manager and friend watching over me and I could hear him saying, “Now that’s how you do it!”

I don’t think I’ll ever return to the spotlight, well at least not like you guys will remember me. Honestly, it’s a bunch of hype that doesn’t amount to anything once you’re gone. But I’ll always remember the experiences, both the good, the bad and the lessons that I’ve learned along the way.

Wishing you peace & happiness,

Something Special

07/22/2011 16:31:00

To be or not to be...that is the question when it comes to celibacy with a lot of single people these days. Their reasons vary, but for me it came after one horrible (and I do mean horrible) sexual experience that lasted all of 1 minute! I remember sitting up and thinking to myself, "are you kidding me?!" I felt used as he gloated that he'd never been with a best selling author. All I could do was shake my head. What was suppose to have been something special had instead become a bitter moment. I walked away from the experience and vowed to myself and God that I wasn't having sex with another man until He sent me my partner for life. That was 2 months ago...

These days I've went on a few dates and as I've confided in some of my closes friends, I now find myself looking at guys differently. I look at their actions in addition to what they are saying. Most aren't making it past a few phone calls and date #1. Sadly, most aren't saying anything worth listening too and their actions...from inconsistent phone calls to wanting to have any entire conversation via text to no table manners to standing me up completely, I'm learning more about myself and what I REALLY want in a man. I asked one of my dates what traits did his ideal mate have and he rattled off nearly 50 qualities. He wanted the perfect woman and once upon a time I had that same list and wanted a perfect man too. Today my list is simple...a man who respects me, who loves me and my children unconditionally, someone who is reliable, honest, is happy with himself and where he is in life and has a good relationship with God.

My choice to practice celibacy has helped me to realized that when I was out there having sex my emotions were being misguided and I was falling in love because of the moment and not the moments. I was falling in love because of the love making and not that acts of love. Michelle McKinney Hammond once stated, "a man can have any woman, but when a man wants YOU, then only YOU will do." So until that one man comes along, who's actions say that I'm the only woman for him and that he'll do whatever it takes to have me in his life forever, I'll continue to date but my cookies are off limits.

Virtual Insanity

06/07/2011 11:29:00

Last week I picked up a copy of the June issue of Ebony Magazine. There was a short, but interesting article about the vice president of production for Columbia Pictures, DeVon Franklin. What sparked my interest in DeVon wasn't that he is also a Christian minister and motivational speaker, but the fact that once a week, for 24 hours, he disconnects from the insanity of the virtual world by turning off his Blackberry and not going online. Instead he uses this time to focus on relaxing, reflecting, resting and renewing himself as an individual.

I could relate to DeVon on so many levels. Being in the spotlight 24/7 is a challenge and can take a toll on you emotionally. Over the last two weeks I've been hearing myself say "I need to take a break and focus on myself, my family and my close friends." At first members of my team didn't understand. They replied "You can't stop tweeting, you can't stop posting on Facebook, simply put...CJ you can't stop!" Well after the death of a good friend over the Memorial Day weekend, I dug in my stilettos.

1st went my Twitter account. It had gotten hacked, which was a blessing in disguise from God because it had become toxic! A battle ground formed of clicks and circles of "who's, who" pretending to be people that the weren't in real life, the social networking aspect had become lost in a mist of gossip, lies and wanna be's. My next step is starting to say no. This summer I'm not speaking to any groups or signing one single book. The iPhone is next in line. I've already conditioned myself to stop responding to text, emails and phone calls after a certain time, but I want to get to a point where this little black piece of technology isn't running my life. Yes, I want to relax, reflect, rest and renew myself as an individual just like DeVon.

I realized early on that my talents are a gift from God and that He has a plan for me, but sometimes the spotlight can blind you and some how you end up taking a wrong turn. It's time that I get back on the right road and for me that means taking a step back from the virtual insanity. No, I haven't gotten to DeVon's level of turning off my iPhone for 24 hours, but believe me...it's coming:)

Grown Ass Woman

05/10/2011 07:20:00

Okay, I can't speak for the other "Cougars" out there, but whoever tried to glamorize dating in your forties lied to themselves and the rest of the world. At the tender age of 41, each day I'm finding it more & more difficult to take a chance on love. Honestly, I think it's a combination of myself and past experiences with men, to the selection of available men that are out there.

Since becoming an elite member of the divorcee club the emotional abuse from my ex hasn't stopped. When an opportunity presents itself he'll remind me that in his eyes I'm still a "stupid fuck," whose trying to be popular because I wrote a few books. After reading some of his hurtful comments (we don't talk via phone, only communication is via text) it's hard to pick up the pieces and give another man a chance. But I have....only to be disappointed over and over again. One of my best friends, Adrienne thinks that the guys I go out with see me as a free therapist. And she's right. Even though I'm going out trying to have a good time they see me as the counselor and thus the blabbering about how they are still in love with their ex-wife or baby mama and secretly hoping that she'll take them back begins (yes ladies, most of your ex's are still madly in love with you despite all the negative crap they say about you). The other extreme is that I encounter a ton of guys who will shamelessly flirt with me, but never get to the "hey, what are you doing Saturday night? Want to go out?" and actually follow through with a date. Sorry, but I'm old fashion, I like to go out and have fun, not sit around and have a text conversation with you all day. And then there are the very special guys , the one's who have read Sideline Ho and get the brilliant idea that it's my life story and ASSume that a quickie is in order or the extreme notion that I'll willingly be girlfriend #2!

No, I haven't had "great' experiences when it comes to men. But as I get older and it feels more like I am trying to find a needle in a haystack when it comes to dating, for some crazy reason I still haven't given up on "true, unconditional love." I think what has changed is that 20 years ago I would have dated these same men & stayed in a relationship with them hoping that they would change or that I could miraculously make them fall out of love with their ex's. 15 years ago I would have dated them because I was afraid of spending the rest of my life alone and unloved, but now...SMH...I know better so therefore I try to choose better when it comes to giving my heart away. No, I'm not getting any younger, but that doesn't mean I have to rush into a relationship for the sake of "having a man." These days I'm not trying to change anyone. Instead, I'm accepting all men just as they present themselves. Like Maya Angelou once said "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

These days my focus is on enjoying the rest of my life. If "true & unconditional" love comes my way in this lifetime that will be awesome, but if not...I've loved enough men and endured enough heartbreaks that I'll be okay leaving this world knowing that the greatest love of all was right inside of me and that I loved myself enough not to settle for less ever again.

Words

03/23/2011 07:17:00

Life has a funny way of bringing you full circle, especially when you're in the 4th ending of it. Last week I purchased the April issue of Oprah's magazine and even though I have this love hate relationship with Oprah (I love her for all that she has accomplished, but sometimes I dislike her because she appears to overlook the African-American community in her media outlets) I sometimes find inspiration and informative articles in her magazine. In this particular edition she shared some of her journal entries from the past. She said that they were a testament of her growth and grace of how she's come this far. I smiled and nodded my head approvingly because I could relate.

I've often found myself saying, "I never would have imagined me doing all of this 20 years ago," but recently life called my bluff. A month ago as I was doing some early spring cleaning, I ran across a copy of a journal that I had kept just after I graduated from Tulane University back in 1992. In it I had life goals which including writing a self-help book (on what I didn't know, but I knew that the world would be a better place if I made a contribution) and to become a motivational speaker doing workshops/trainings for other social workers. Back then I thought I was being naive, dreaming dreams that were larger than life. Because for me, graduating from Tulane was a big accomplishment for a girl from around the way, but being a speaker and writing a book, Ha! After that entry I stopped writing in that particular journal, had forgotten about it until that moment. My eyes blinked as I stared at the words before me...I had claimed my current life some twenty years ago, Wow!

Fast forward to March, 17, 2011. On last Thursday I had the opportunity to speak to a sold out audience of over 100 social workers at the Louisiana-National Association of Social Workers State Conference. This was the largest training workshop that I have ever conducted. Based on my self-help book, Who Does She Think She Is? as I sold out of DVD's of the training I had conducted the year before and people asked me to come and speak to groups in various parts of the state, I stood there remembering the journal that I had held in my hands earlier and the article in Oprah's Magazine. Yes, this was a testament to my growth and grace, that a boughetto girl from around the way had used the power of words to claim the life that she is living today.

Crabs in a Barrel

02/19/2011 09:03:00

Life is full of lessons if you pay attention and take in what is going on around you. This past week my lessons have been painful, yet in the same breath,meaningful. They have been lessons that I'll never forget especially when it comes to business and friendship. So what exactly did I learn? Well....the first lesson is that the main people who claim that they want to help you are really against you. I've learned that the crabs who are currently in the barrel with me are determined to hold me down as I try desperately to get the hell out. I've learned that no matter how honest you are with everyone else there is still that one person who will sit there and lie in your face without blinking an eye. A bold faced liar as my mama would have called them. The last lesson that I learned this week was that nobody is going to be as passionate about your dreams like you. That if you want that dream to become a reality it is your responsibility to do whatever it takes. This week ended with me doing a lot of crying, soul searching, and trying to regroup on so many levels. There was nobody there to pick up the pieces, pat me on the back or assure me that things would get better. By Friday night I was ending the day with my middle finger raised high in the air. Yes, I was finally there, I just didn't care. Yet I rose on Saturday morning, willing to give it all one more try. As the saying goes by Maya Angelou...but still, like air, I'll rise.

Funny Valentine

02/08/2011 17:40:00

A day meant for the celebration of love has somehow turned into the moment of truth. With Valentine's Day quickly approaching tis the season when arguments between couples pop out of thin air, break ups hit lovers like a flash of light and a many of hearts are suddenly broken. Yep, instead of celebrating love this has become the holiday when you find out just how much you mean to a person or where you really stand in a relationship.

Let's face it, the country is in a recession and that means lovers are affected too. The cost of two dinners, two bouquets of roses and two gifts is just a bit too much for some people and so the process of elimination must begin. Now don't be surprised if after the big love day is over your significant other wants to make up and work things out. "It was all just a big mistake, I realize how much you mean to me." And yes, they are right, they have realized just how much you mean to them, $0.00. The argument was a smoke screen to distract you from expecting anything, to leave you wondering what went wrong, confused, overwhelmed and in a daze while they made someone else feel special, if just for a day.

"So what should I do," you ask? Don't get caught up in the manipulation. If he/she really loved you they wouldn't be acting funny. Take the clue, put on your Nike's and run. They are showing you how they really feel, and I'm sorry to say, you've just figured out that you're #2 instead of #1. Use Valentine's Day to pamper yourself, and possibly your shattered ego. Regroup, reevaluate and re-validate who you are as a person. Valentine's Day is about love, so use this day to start loving yourself.

Ain't No More Tears

02/01/2011 08:27:00

On Friday, January 28th, 2011 I made the choice to move forward with my life versus continuing to remain stagnate or drive myself into an emotional rut. I made the choice to be happy by quitting my job of one year and going back into the world of self employment. Sometimes we settle for certain situations either because of comfort, finance or ignorance. I was a victim of all three. I wanted the comfort and security of a steady paycheck, but didn't realize when I accepted the job a little over a year ago that I would have to sacrifice my emotional well being and part of my integrity in the process. My family suffered, the finances didn't improve and my creativity was shot to hell! All that for a steady paycheck that was always gone as soon as it was deposited into my bank account.

When I walked out of that medical clinic on Friday I felt lighter, as if an emotional bolder had been lifted from my shoulders. I thought I would cry, because the steady paycheck and security of a job was now suddenly gone, but instead I felt inspired and immediately went into CEO mode regarding my career and being able to take care of my family. I called on business mentors and people I consider to be good friends seeking advice, suggestions and some good ole moral support. By Sunday I had decided on an office space, updated my website and contacted potential clients. By Monday I had sent out a newsletter and was receiving calls for services. But confirmation that I had made the right decision was when my oldest son came home and smiled because I was here to great him (that quickly faded when I got on him about his homework and chores, but hey...) and when I picked up my youngest son from school and we made it home to eat dinner before the sun went down. My children and I actually spent some quality time together, which hadn't been done on a weekday in over a year. When I told my dad about my decision to quit, I just knew he was going to chew me out, but instead he smiled and looked relieved as he shared that he might have surgery in a few weeks and would need me to be there with him.

I've always believed that God works in our lives constantly, that He never sleeps. And even when we think we've got it all figured out, He shows us a better way. I'm glad that my former CEO insulted me on Friday and forced my hand to quit. I'm delighted that things didn't go right at my former place of employment. I'm also grateful for all of the hardships and obstacles that I've gone through in life, because they have made me stronger and able to endure almost anything. This time around there ain't no more tears, because I'm doing me.

Dazed & Confused

01/24/2011 19:24:00

This past Friday I had the opportunity to speak to a group of high school students about juvenile domestic violence and to my surprise they had a LOT to say! They all knew about domestic violence, some better than others. The responses that I received ranged from "girls like it when you hit them" to "a restraining order is just another piece of paper...it ain't gonna stop him from bashing yo head into a wall." There were some positive remarks which included that girls needed to get some self-esteem, because the only way she'd let a boy hit on her was if she didn't love herself. But the conversation with 70 high school sophomores and juniors didn't stop there. We also talked about digital bullying and how boys are controlling their girlfriends via the Internet through facebook, twitter, text messaging and e-mails. The bruises aren't always visible as they pointed out, in their world its usually emotional. The warning signs for them is when their friend can no longer hang out because her boyfriend is dictating who her friends can and can not be, or her style of clothing has become ultra conservative resembling that of a nun. Other signs include her being nervous all the time, jumping and anxious for no apparent reason. For me the conversation was a little too relaxed. I shook my head trying to grasp what all of this really mean. Had these kids become desensitized to domestic violence thanks to the normalcy portrayed in the media by videos such as Eminem and Rihanna's Love the Way You Lie? Probably.

They were able to define domestic violence, sharing with me that some are just imitating what they see at home. They were able to give me the warning signs, but none knew how to get help. That's were we as adults come in. Parents, don't just talk to your kids, but have a conversation with them, making sure that our young adults know that domestic violence isn't cool and that girls don't like to be hit on. Remind our kids that videos are just commercials to promote a product, and shouldn't be confused with real life. Rihanna gets to go home after the house burns down in the video, in real life she'd probably be on a burn unit in a hospital or worst, six feet under. Domestic violence is real and it's growing at alarming rates among teenagers. The only way we can get a grasp on whats really going on with our youth is to educate them and the first step is to talk about it.

When A Woman Loves

01/07/2011 15:59:00

Today I decided to clean out my file cabinet and while doing so ran across an old notebook from 2009. As I flipped through the pages, trying to decide if it was a keeper I paused, giggled then became teary eyed as I stared at a page filled with notes on all my Mister Wrongs. I think at the time I was trying to figure out why I kept attracting losers. Then I flipped the page and there was another long list, but this one was filled with the good qualities, or the traits I admired in all of the men I had ever dated. Yeah, when you put all of their qualities together on paper they become the perfect man, well at least my Mr. Right. It made me sit back and think about the past year and how I've been very selective when it comes to allowing men into my life. I smiled at the high standards I have set for myself and then patted myself on the back for sticking to them! Instead of wallowing in self-pity for not having a man or being miserable in a relationship that was no good for me, I survivied 2010 by focusing more on my career and my company and on me as an individual. I really learned how to celebrate myself and being a woman, qualities most men are looking for in their Mrs. Right. And for the first time in my life I appreciated being alone when my kids went to visit their father and his new family. You see, part of my problem in past relationships was that I always went from one guy to the next because I didn't like being alone. But now...I relished the sound of peace & quiet and just sitting still, somethimes doing absolutely nothing! In 2010 I became the woman I've always wanted to be, happy, peaceful and in love with me. Now as I enter 2011, I'm embracing the new CJ with open arms and I think Mr. Right, when he comes along, will be delighted too.